Anthems of the Gray
by ArieGillies
Summary: When Jade starts having dreams about her past, she starts uncovering some things about herself. Like the reason why she's so uncomfortable when she's around men, around Beck. But Jade can't handle knowing. How far will she go to forget about what she has uncovered. What will Beck do to save her?
1. Anthems of the Gray

**Takes place after Tori Goes Platinum.**

_**Jade's Point of View:**_

_I wake up and I turn over to find Beck next to me. Beck I call, I feel so lethargic it's a wonder my eyes opened. I lay there a couple of seconds before I gather enough energy to shove Beck. One shove...__** Wooh...**__ I'm exhausted. I lay there again in stillness before I shove again. This time I use all my might, which is not much considering. Two shoves...__** Oh my goodness... **__still no answer. I lay there for more time, which seems endless, until I gather enough energy. _**Brace yourself Jade...**_ Three shoves...and I do not understand if had woken him or not. I guess that shove was to much for me. Because once I rest my hand, my heart goes insane and starts throbbing in my chest. It's to much for my already broken body and I'm plunged into a deep sleep without my consent._

_When I wake again, I feel fully energized. Normally fully energized. Like what coffee used to do to me. Beck is still laying beside me. In front of me now because now I am on my side. This time I lift up and shove him. It takes him a while to wake up and turn around and when he does... My heart begins to race at the sight. This human being next to me is not Beck Oliver, this human being next to me is none other than Perry Eagan West... my father. What the heck, is he doing here. Then there is blackness and he is carrying me into a . I don't feel as big. It's because I'm not. When he puts me down and my little size 3 child feet hit the floor, I can see my self in the room I am in that its filled with mirrors. I am a little girl. I have snow white skin, big bulging blue eyes, bark brown hair and dimples. I am dressed in a light yellow skirt with the matching jacket. Under my jacket is a white shirt. Then my dad pulled me close to one of the mirrors. He's saying something, all I can here is the sound of party music being played, children laughing. Then he kneels down on one knee and brushes my hair back with his fingers. Then he kisses me on my neck. Then suddenly his fingers travel from my hair to my..._

I awake in great terror. The gray walls greet me with sorrow and let me know I am in my room. The melody of my heart sings through my head. Sweat drowns me, and I can taste the salt of it in my mouth. Finally, when the drumming stops in my head. And my resting heart rate becomes normal. The memories of my dream come flashing into my mind.


	2. Downtown

Jade's :

The dream I had was so crazy, I decided to go out to the candy store. I need something to keep me awake. I could not go back to sleep. Not having dreams like that I couldn't. I wonder what that was about. That was weird. It was a nightmare. Having a dream about my dad is a nightmare. If I do not want to see him in real life, what would make my mind think I want to see him in my dreams. Huh. Oy Vey. Problem here, problem there. Anyways, at least I didn't have a dream about *gulps* Beck. Ever since that night at the Platinum Awards I've avoided him. Going to extreme measures to do so. There's this constant pain in the center of me. There's someone inside knowing Beck Oliver has some type of feelings for Tori Vega. There's Jade who is so not okay with that and then there is Elizabeth who doesn't seem to have to time for love. Because her dreams and aspirations forbid her from even acknowledging anything else. Yeah, I like ,Liz. She keeps me together. Because There's a rush of cold air in the downtown Los Angeles atmosphere and I can feel so alive in this city. You show the lights that stop me turn to stone You shine it when I'm alone. As I make my way past the Caravan book store and past the dentist offices upstairs and the Irish pub across the street and then across the Lane to world famous Louie pastries, I feel eyes on me. I turn my head to see the face I've dreaded to see for so long.


	3. Sufferer of the Gray

Jade's P.o.V: I turn around to find Beck. He stares deep into my eyes. My heart starts pumping inside my chest. What does he want?

Beck:Hey, what are you doing out here at this time of night all alone?

What? What am I doing here? All alone? My head starts spinning and the world is suddenly churning. its like I can feel the ground shaking up under my feet and the lights are stinging my eyes. Making them tear. I feel like I have go throw up. What am I doing here? Who does he think he is to be asking me these things? Are you mad Jade? Because you don't know the answer to these things. I come down from whatever cloud I'm must be completely opposite of cloud nine. I am tremoring and Beck is looking at me with an odd worried look on his face.

Beck:Jade...?

Me: Wh-wh-what?

Beck:Jade are you okay?

Me:What business of yours is that?

Why ask me that...?

Beck: Jade come on. My cars just across the street.

Me: N-n-no. You don't own me. You can't tell me what to do. -My blood begins boiling in the pit of the whole inside of me.- I feel myself about to explode. No Jade don't. he doesn't own you.

Beck:Jade. I'm not interested in beginning a battle with your guards. I'm taking you home and I'm taking you home now. What?Why? Home? I haven't had a home in a while. Not since you left. And you think you can just walk into my life again. Who? Who's going home? Certainly not me. With you? Shut up. I hate you. I can't go home. You know just want me to die there.

Before I can object again. I'm hovering over Beck's back being carried to his car by the pub. He puts me into his 1996 Ford Mustang. But I cannot see or hear or feel a thing, I just know I have descended. I am in his car staring at his dash board. I can feel his body heat against me. He begins to stare at me. What? My lips speak but my voice cannot seem to match it. Everything that is about to happen suddenly dawns on me right now. And I go into a rage,kicking and screaming. Beck pulls the lever on my seat by my side sending me back about 2 feet . He holds down my arms with only one if his. Having them both above my head. Me: Sto-p (My voice cracks) , Sto-p. I don't want youto touch me. I hate, I hate you.

Beck: Jade, I don't care. You don't wanna go home. Jade I didn't mean with your dad. I meant home to my apartment with me. Your real home. If you're scared don't be. I have you. I'll always have you.

Lies,nothing but lies.

Me:No,no. I hate you.

Bevk: -he loses it- Jade stop.

Before I can continue he presses his lips against mine ,calming my legs. I can't see or hear anything. All I can do is feel warmth o ver take my body. With an emotion I haven't felt in a long time. Happiness? Eww get your hands off,but I am in no position to fight. And before I know it, I'm of into a deep sleep. Relaxing in Beck's room not having to face the gray walls of my house? Instead I am dreaming of me and Beck's wedding. I know even in my sleep, that I am surrounded by Beck and his mellow walls. Good, fine he wins. And so do I because tonight I don't have to face the gloom of my room. I won't wake up to the thump of my heart or the mural of myself painted in The Gray of my walls.


	4. Decimate

Jade's :

When I wake I am in Beck's room. He's laying up beside me. He's just staring there. He's trying to find my eyes. I let him. I'm angry with him. He won't find any sadness inside me right now,If that is what he is looking for.

Me: Beck-I say through gritted teeth- What the hell are you staring at? After you kidnapped me in Downtown last night you're just going to sit there and stare at me? Like and idiot with that dumb facial expression.

Beck:-Silence-

He just keeps staring at knows he's irritating me. He's doing it on purpose.

Jade: Umm... Maybe you didn't hear me...

Beck:I don't understand you. If you're so smart. Why can't you see that that act doesn't phase me. You let me kiss you last night. If you really didn't want me to, you could have beat the tan out of me. Well at least I would have let you. And I'm so worried about you. Aren't you worried for yourself? Jade, you walk around like a robot. I see you at lunch. It's like you have to force yourself to do things. Basic things. I see you fighting with yourself. I want to know Jade. I want to know what's going on with you. I want to know why you're at war with everyone. With Tori, Me, and yourself. I want to know what's disturbing you. You haven't always been this mean.

As the weight of his words is placed on my mind, I am not angered. I'm looking for serious answers to his questions. NOT TO REPORT BACK TO HIM. But just because I want to know myself. I'm trying to think but nothing's coming up. Huh. There's that part about Tori trying to get to me,but I can't hear it over my thinking.

Me: If wants were dreams wishes would fly.

Beck: What does that mean.

Jade: It means I don't give a Sam Heaven what you want to know. Who do you think you are? Huh? You think you're important too me. You think I let you kiss me. No. You kidnapped me last night and then. I don't know what you did to me. Probably sold me to one of your friends for the night.

That last statement is so funny to me. Because we always joke about that kind of stuff. My "friends" and I. But it's not funny. Now that I think about it. It's terrible.

Beck: Jade. Don't try and change the subject. I want to know.

Why? Why do you want to know?No. You'll never know. You'll never truly know Beck Oliver. You can't handle it if you did. Look at me. So at what it's doing to me. Look what knowing is doing to me. It's pushing and pulling at me. Make me feel sick. I've thrown up at least 12 times in the last week. You can't know. Because I do care about you. And if you mean what you say, I can't lose you. For your sake. I WON'T TELL YOU. One part protection,one part not knowing myself.

Me: Leave me alone.

I say while getting up and heading for his doesn't follow me,which isn't surprising. He has a habit of not going after me.

I reach into my jacket that I still have on. Even though I am in some of Beck's sweats, and pull out my pearpod. I put on Three Door's Down. I've always related to their music, but now I feel like they're telling my life. How do they know?

There's another world inside of me that you may never see.

There's secrets in this life that I can't hide.

Somewhere in this darkness there's a life that I can't find.

Maybe it's too far away, Or maybe I'm just blind...

When your education x-ray cannot see under my skin, I won't tell you a damn thing that I could not tell my friends.

Roaming through this darkness I'm alive, but I'm alone.

Part of me is fighting this but part of me is gone.

There they are. Those last two lines go through me like mist through a window pain. I feel them they're so true for me. I'm just letting this thing take over me. I'm slowly dying. And soon there will be nothing left. And I'm okay with that. And not to feed the theatrics,but I can feel that thick decimating fog falling over my body. Decoding it with it's grayness. Oh my Goodness. When I was younger. as a child. I would always run in the room to sleep with my mother. The color of my walls scared me. As I got older I grew stronger. Since I didn't have a mother present to rescue me any longer. She left me. She left me home. All the emotions of that memory come rushing back and I begin to feel light headed. As if by cue. As soon as the rain begins pouring down. I'm thrown into the depth of my mind. With such memories and visions popping up, and the , moving away.

There's this constant ache in my mind.

Even as I am sleep. All I can see is my self waking up in my room. With my father next to me. All I can do is stare at the walls as he comes closer to me. Placing his lips on mine. Putting his hands where a father's hands shouldn't go on his child. But all I can do is stare at the walls. I can't wake from the dream. I can't even cry. I just stare at my walls. Waiting for this sick joke to be over. But I'm never rescued. It goes on and on and on. My father never I'm irresponsive, and the pounding in my head is slow and very rough watching the beat of my heart sounding with the beat of the walls. And the hole inside of me grows. As I am being consumed by The Gray of my walls.


	5. Over the Gray

Jade's P.o.V:

As I woke up, I heard Beck breathing next to me. I knew he was awake because I could feel him staring at me. So I kept my eyes closed. I really didn't want to face him. It's not that I was scared of him or anything, I was just scared of the conversation to come. It would be so uncomfortable.I can't lie to him. I knew he would ask me if it was my dad. And that would have done it. Either he would have asked all the right questions, or I would eventually crack. And I would tell him everything. I would tell him all the things I had been trying to run from. Everything I was seeing in my dreams. I would cry. And I couldn't let Beck see me cry. He had only seen me cry only once before. And just in case you're wondering, NO!I'm not about to go into some stupid flash back. I refuse to even go into that moment. My eyes sub-consciously open as I shake the memory out of my mind. Beck's eyes meet mine. Beck: Done pretending you're not awake already?

Me: I don't have to pretend about shit. Hear? Who the hell do you think you are?You're nobody.

I say this while getting up and trying to smoothly make a departure. I have to get away from this guy before he get's inside my head. Before he shrinks me to nothing and convinces me there really is something wrong. I don't need him. Shoot. I'm Jade Freaking West and the freaking is short for freaking independent. I'm out of here. But before I can grab my stuff Beck grabs me by my waist and lifts me and puts me on the bed. I am pinned down by Beck. He's pretty strong since for his birthday I bought him a membership to a gym and the full insanity work out program. Yeah, I bought it for him even though we weren't together. I'm so sweet.

He starts staring into my eyes. Me: What the hell are you looking at you long haired bastard? I hate you, don't you get it. Now get the hell off of me before I do a one-eighty on your tan CANADIAN ass.

He doesn't budge. Me: Get off, GET OFF,Get off, Now ,you son of a -

I'm cut off by Beck's iron fist-like voice. It projects loud and efficient, reaching a certain part off me I've tried to block off. I've tried to lock it away. Beck always get's through the walls that surround it. He always reaches my heart. His voice is short and powerful. Like he's explaining something to me. Like he's been dong it all day.

Beck: .

Me: Bitch, I'll give you til' the count of five to get off of ME before I kick your-

Beck: Say what you want Jade, curse me out all you like. It's not going to make me look over the problem. I know that's what you're trying to do. I'm not going to get angry.I am worried for you. SO go ahead curse me, curse my name. That won't change the fact that right now... I'm in charge. You can't get up. You're not Strong enough to move me off of you so you can yell all you want. It's not going to change the fact that we ARE going to talk about this whether you like it or not. Because no matter what I care for you, I love you with all my heart,soul and life. I'll do anything for you. I'll do whatever it takes to make you smile. I want you be safe. TOGETHER OR NOT. That's my job as you're boyfriend or ex-boyfriend or 's my job as a man. And I'll do it or die trying.

Me: Mutters.

Beck: Now. I'm gonna let you up, only if you promise to act right.

Wait. What? Care,job,boyfriend,love,life,safe. What does he mean. I don't even understand the words he just spoke. Yes I do. I'm trying not to. I'm trying to make them Greek to me. Trying to pretend that he didn't' make everything he just said sound so believable that even Liz believes it. Why? No, he can' if he does I'll have to tell him. I can't tell him. For his sake not mine..Why? Please Beck don't.

Jade: F you. I hate you. Get the hell off of me.

Beck: Jade, what happened to you. Is it your father. I promise if it is you'll never have to suffer again. My parents, they love you Jade. Even though they don't show it. SO please if it's that. Tell me.

Tears begin streaming down my could he go there. To that place, that I have blocked off with caution tape. How could he go there without my permission. Knowing what it would do to me. I hate him . Who does he think he is? He's nobody. SO why am I crying so hysterically? He made me cry, what did he do? Oh, no one makes Jade cry. It's okay self. He'll pay. I feel the feeling I always feel towards my dad when I see him rise inside of me. Taking me at full speed til' it finally boils over and I explode.

Me: Get off, get off. Please. Get off. I hate you. Don't touch me. You're nothing but a rapist. I have a future. You don't. I am a good actress and singer. I'll make it. I don't need you to pay for anything. I'm not homeless. People love me. You just say it to make me forget that you touch me, Like no man should touch his daughter. You feel guilty. You're nothing but a drunk child molester. They love men like you in jail you know that. They'll love you. You made me sick and I was throwing up and there was my sister and daughter growing inside of me at the same time. I had to convince myself it was Beck's, but how could it be? That's why my mother left me. I hate you, and she hates you too. You're sick. You can hit me and drink and try and put me down all you want. I am somebody. You're just scum. You're just the dead weeds of a garden trying to put the beauty of everything else off. I am someone. I'm a flower. People see me and stop to admire my beauty in awe. I am not my father's child. You're just a sperm donner. Nothing more.

Author's Point of View:

Jade says the last part strongly. She's had enough. She's so fed up with everything that's been going on lately. She just couldn't take it anymore. Now that everything was out, she thought it would all be over. Her life, her suffering. If her dad heard her. She doesn't know she was screaming so loud maybe it hit the ceiling and missed his ears. If her dad HAD HEARD, she would, in fact,be dying right now. But instead, when she opens her eyes, she finds Beck hovering over her mirroring her body language. He has tears coming down his face too, making pale lines in the thick ff his ? Jade thinks. How did... and did I? She starts crying again, louder. Realizing her actions. Beck was reminding her of her father with all of his authority, she thought he was her dad and told him everything deep down inside of her wanted to say. The whole inside her started to shrink. But a fire started, as she, herself realized the meaning of her dreams. Why was she so stupid? Why did she tell was she so hurt. It didn't matter. it was all OVER now. She had no reason to live. Because surely the the memories of everything would meet her again in her dreams. Every night for the rest of her life. And she couldn't take that. SO when she got up. She would end it all.


	6. Cadet

Here's what I know: dreams are not coincidental,they mean something. these dreams mean have something to do withwhy my mother left. I put the pieces together,maybe I'll find my mother. 's lying. I realized hiding isn't an option. I know that from spending four days awake,the hallucinations were that of my dreams. So I sleeo to get rest,and to see the piecea playing in my mind like a movie. A Horror Movie. But as I have said,I am Jade West,and I am strong. I've tried to deny it,but these thoughts have no appetite for anything dad has molested me at least 's thw truth. The cold hard ugly gray-blue truth.


	7. Wine

I wake up from another nightmare,next thing I know I'm in a bar,I've already drank three glasses of wine,and why no one can see I'm underaged is puzzling. I'm letting the tears slide down my face,letting them come down as hard as they want. No one's here to see or judge me that I know. The way I see it is,even if they are I'm in far to deep. For it to matter,for anything to matter, it will have to be bigger than me and bigger than this. I take the last gulp of my drink when I feel hands snake around my waist. I don't move them. I just let them warmth envelop me in it. In the morning, I know I'll regret it.


	8. Say It

I was staring at the clock watching it do its thing. The arms around me were all to familiar. They made me feel all to familiar. They took me back into my past, and it wasn't right for me because I was trying to escape. But no matter what he wouldn't let me. I had never reached a point in my life where I felt so empty. I had always felt some kind of way. I always had a false happiness or great pain to let me know I was alive. I just wasnt sure now. I'm moving in slow motion. Have you ever had that dream where you are moving in slow motion and no matter what you cannot wake up. I feel like that's my life now. I'm out of tears and I'm out of emotions. I'm trying to feel something. Even with the dreams, they used to make me feel scared and weird. I just I don't know what it is. Maybe If I told him,and let him back into my life he would understand. He could help me and he good give me my happiness and sanity back.

"Beck," I whisper.

"Yes Jade," he says in a very soft voice.

I hade no idea he was awake.

"I have to tell you something."


	9. We're Going to Make It

I was frozen then, I didn't really know how to proceed. I'd never done this before. Let someone about me that was private, that he knew, he had found out on his own. I didn't know how to do this. But I knew one thing. That he loved me, so whatever I told him. I knew he'd help me figure it out.

Me:Beck... I-I.. My dad... He...

The water was slipping out of my eyes and I was short of breath. It was affecting me in ways I never understood. I never knew that it did things to people. H e wiped the tears from my face,but theat didn't stop them from flowing.

Beck:It's okay.

Me-No it's not. No it's not.

Beck-Jade, yes it is. You don't have to say it. I already you yelled at me. I understood what you were saying. You don't have to be scared anymore. I'm here for you. I'm going to make sure you're okay.

Me- I just want it to go away. Please just make everything stop.

Beck- Shh okay I will.


End file.
